Let’s see if this helps any.
Today has been a pretty good day. I did a lot of lounging around the house and binge watching on Hulu. We took a break in the day to go to the beauty supply because Tre is making another effort to try and learn her hair and take better care of it. After spending about $50 on products that I’m really hoping she will use, we headed to the grocery store. I’ve had this hankering for red meat for a few days now so we picked up a rib eye steak for dinner along with a few other things we needed around the house. Thirty or so minutes in there and about $20 later we headed back home.
Tre has been doing laundry for the better part of the day but decided to take a much needed break to eat something before she jumped in the shower to shampoo and condition her thirsty locks. This is when I first felt the anxiety attack coming on. To try and curb the feelings of eminent doom I decided to jump on the treadmill to take my mind off the knots I was feeling in my stomach. I also needed the exercise because I went to Small Cakes Cupcakery yesterday and have eaten three of the delicious bastards in the past two days at damn near 500 calories each. It’s a lot, I know. The feelings had gone down a little until she got out of the shower and came to get her deep conditioner applied to her head. I’ve been dealing with hair Cholesterol since was a child so I know that I am not allergic to it, however I sat applying the goopy conditioner to her hair terrified that I might experience and allergic reaction that would make my throat close up and I’d die.
It only took me about 15 minutes to get the product thoroughly through her hair. When I was done I immediately sprang from the chair to wash the product from my hands. Surely I know that if I was allergic to it I would have started having a reaction to it a lot sooner than the time it took me to fully coat her strands but tell that to my anxious mind. Happy that the whole process was over I went to the kitchen to start cooking the gorgeously marbled steak we had picked up from the grocery store. While the steak was in the oven I made the mashed potatoes and steamed some broccoli, nothing like a home cooked steak dinner to get the work week started.
Once dinner was done I made our plates and sat down to join Tre in watching Straight Outta Compton for the first time. A co-worker of hers raved about the movie and insisted she watch it last week. He loaned her his DVD copy on Wednesday and we hadn’t sat down to watch it before tonight, I could have lived my life without it to be honest. Now that I’ve seen the movie I feel like I already knew what it was going to be before I had seen it. Maybe because I grew up during the epitome of fame for the rap group, or maybe because the whole thing felt like a summation of every interview the members had participated in all rolled up into a 3 hour long waste of time. Either way, once I sat down to eat my brain began to replay every beef recall from HEB and I started to panic that the meat I had prepared for dinner was surely going to give me food poisoning or worse, kill me. Still, I powered through dinner.
I now sit in my bed anxious about going to sleep, being anxious, driving to work tomorrow and a slew of other things that I have no logical reason for thinking about. I was prescribed Lexapro a few months ago for my anxiety. Back then I took about a months worth of the medication before I stopped taking it all together. I don’t like medication especially something that is designed to alter my brain chemistry and has the ability to cause an addiction. I finally freed myself from my addiction to alcohol and cigarettes in what will be a year in two weeks. Why would I want to go and create another? Still, I don’t like constantly being in a state of fear that I am going to die any given minute. It’s exhausting to have your brain create scenarios of ways you can die from doing the most mundane things.
I read up somewhere that going to get a physical will sometimes help in these situations. That by having someone evaluate you physically can sometimes work to quiet the thoughts in your head. This didn’t work for me. I spent thousands of dollars last year going to see doctors, cardiologists, and other specialists and I am no better off.
So here I sit, alone in my room, fighting back tears because I am too afraid to go to sleep, get up from the bed, stay in the bed, breathe, drink, or do anything. I initially sat down to see if writing through this episode would help. I guess in some way it did. It’s confirming that nothing life threatening is happening at the moment or I wouldn’t be able to type but that’s about the only relief I am feeling at the moment.
Well, I have to go. I need to go and help Tre detangle the massive amount of hair on her head and get myself ready for work tomorrow. If you’ve read through all of these ramblings, you’re a real one. If this has helped you feel any more sane, you’re welcome. If this was a waste of your time to read. My apologies.
Until next time…
Don’t judge me, you don’t know my life!!!