Redistributing Energy

For me, 2018 was a year of letting things go that did not align with the person I see myself being 10 years from now. I celebrated my one year quit-versary from cigarettes and alcohol, committed to bettering my credit score, I cut off all my hair again because I was just straight up tired of the maintenance of relaxing it every few weeks, and I began to use use my block buttons more liberally.

After all that I still don’t feel good. Some of the things I don’t feel good about are very obvious like weight gain, the current state of my financial future, the fact that I am still working to build someone else’s dream, and disappointment that I didn’t finish my first book when I set out to finish it. Other things, I’m still meditating on.

I’ve been really flighty recently. Decidedly not picking up my phone to call friends as often as I used to. Not engaging in things I used to enjoy.  One minute I’m building myself up to spend the weekend finishing the blanket I’ve been working on for almost three years, the next I’m half-heartedly flushing out an idea for a book, researching becoming a realtor (something I’ve been doing now for over a year), or looking for topics to start a podcast or V-log . Never really landing on, or investing time anywhere. Unable, unmotivated, or unwilling to commit to anything and feeling frustrated with the complacency of my life.

Just straight up roaming around in a soup of uncertainty.

While I’ve never been the type of person to jump out of bed enthusiastically at the thought of going to work, at some point over the past few months the dread has grown thicker. My body feels heavier when the alarm goes off in the morning. I can’t hold focus to save my life and have found myself sitting at my desk more often than not scrolling, literally mindlessly, through social media apps. Praying to find something interesting to occupy my time instead of doing the job I’m seriously getting paid to do.

I’m at a point where I am unhappy with everything in my life and I don’t know how I got to this point.

Enough is Enough!

I had the thought a week or two ago while I was talking to Tre. “Babe.” I’d said. “I’m thinking of restricting access to myself for a while.” Tre, forever not giving a fuck and only wanting to see me be happy, was immediately on board after only asking two follow up questions. One being, if she was included in the Adreanna ban. The other, was when was I going to start.

I’m feeling like I am giving so much of myself away I am not having anything left for myself and I’m wondering if that’s why I haven’t made progress on my weight loss journey, can’t stay focused long enough to write anything I’m proud of, or even focus enough at work to give the impression that I actually care about keeping my job.

And so, out of assumed necessity, it commences.

I was going to wait until the first day of February to block myself off from everything and everyone but my brain decided to make it happen sooner than even I consciously anticipated. So here I sit. I’ve uninstalled all social media apps from my phone. Including my favorite dark place, Tumblr and I’ve set restrictions in my phone.

The commitment.

For, at least, the next 31 days I will not be using any form of social media, engaging in friend outings (not including the gym), holding conversations that are not educational or productive, or giving my attention and energy to anything that is not serving to better my mind, body, finances, and spirit.

Because I understand that there are a few people out there who care about me and my general well being, and as a tool to get myself back in the habit of making writing a priority, I will share my progress through this site.

My goal is to see if my outlook on things, productivity, focus, determination, and self motivation improves during this time of absence.  If I see positive changes from this exercise I may decide to extend my hiatus.

Right now, I am feeling calm, and optimistic about the outcome and I can’t wait to see what I’m like waking up in the morning not reaching for my phone to check social media. Curious to learn how well I am able to stick to my diet and workout regime without distractions like parties, hang sessions, and events that my brain associates with overeating. Will I save any money by isolating myself? Will I finally finish my blanket? Will I get a completed rough draft done? Will I get my first v-

log done?

With all of the possibilities, I dare say, I’m excited.

Here’s to Day 1 of my unplugged life.

Until next time.

Don’t judge me, you don’t know my life!!!

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