So you’re alone for Valentine’s day…

Despite your best efforts, you’ve managed to convince exactly 0 people that you’d rather spend time alone for the lover’s holiday.

You are secretly resenting the fact that everyone with someone will be showing out for their special someone.

You won’t be able to find peace anywhere.

Not at work, not the grocery store, the gym, anywhere.

Everywhere you turn it will seem like the whole world will be celebrating Valentine’s day without you. Yeah, you’ll probably get a few pity gifts from people at work. The cashier will seem to be extra friendly as they ring up your T.V dinner for one. Even the T.V will seem to be taunting you and reminding you of how lonely you are on this, the most love filled day.

You may think you just need to hide away in your lonely home, get under the covers, and binge eat anything with more than 2 grams of sugar but sistren and brethren, I’ve got news for you! You don’t have to do any of these things to enjoy the holiday.

Who says you have to hide your resentment, dread, dislike, bitterness, and whatever other slew of feelings you may have about the fact that you’re single on Valentine’s Day? Damn sure not me! If lover’s get to flaunt their love in your face on Valentine’s Day, I say you should get to flaunt your petty-ness in theirs.

May I present to you, Petty-tine’s Day (A concept).

Petty-tine’s Day is the day single people get to bask in and enjoy their displeasure with Valentine’s day at the expense of lover’s every where. What does one do on Petty-tine’s day, you may find yourself asking. Whatever your petty ass heart desires, that’s what!

Here are just a few things you could do to kick off the festivities:

Dinner reservation for one

Probably the number one thing couples will be doing on Valentine’s Day is going out to eat for dinner. Every restaurant in the city will be packed with couples making googly eyes at each other over candlelight, flirting, and shameless displays of affection. The bitterly single may decide to stay in for the night to avoid such displays. I say get right out there and fuck it up for a happy couple. Call and make a reservation at a restaurant of your choosing. Ask for the best table in the house (of course this will require some pre-planning, the best petty always does though, right?) then show up dressed to kill and take your sweet ass time enjoying a full meal with desert. Revel in the teeth sucking and neck rolling of the envious couples waiting impatiently for you to finish your meal. Then saunter out of the restaurant at your leisure.

Movie Date

The second stop on your petty tour should be the movie theater. This too will require a bit of forethought. Pre-purchase your ticket to see a popular show for Valentine’s Day. When you arrive at the theater look for a seat in the middle of a row and wait. As the theater fills, there will most likely come a point when some couple will come up to you and ask you to switch seats so that they can be seated together for the show. That’s when you Petty-chop them down to size with a flaming hot “No, thanks. I’m comfortable here.” Then devour the initial look of shock, followed by anger, and inevitably defeat as they realize they will have to either sit separately or wait for another show to start.

A stroll through the park

There’s bound to be some unsuspecting couple in the park trying to have a picnic by moonlight but what the fuck does that have to do with you? Once you have spotted your couple of the night simply find a parking spot and wait. Eventually they are going to go in for a kiss and when they do, turn your bright lights on and wait. You should be on petty-gasm three by now and working your way on to number four. This prank could be drawn out too. If you’ve found a nice romantic spot with lots of lover’s traffic, you can have yourself a time ruining tinder moment after tender moment for free and from the comfort of your own car.

Cock blocking

Photo by Mike on

I think it’s pretty safe to say that we all have an ex that deserves to feel our wrath. Maybe they cheated on you. Maybe they took your car and wrecked it. Doesn’t matter. For whatever reason you despise this person. So why not take Petty-tine’s day to exact your revenge. Now in order for this one to work you will need to be certain they are in a relationship or at least dating someone for the holiday or else you’re just gassing them up. But if you know for sure that they are seeing someone else, it’s time to create a finsta. A clever comment like, “Last night was fun, can’t wait to see you again tonight.” should be enough to get the party started. Then if you decide, you can take that petty a level further. Start dropping little nuggets using personal information, not just anyone would know about, like that weird mole on their inner thigh, or use the nickname only few people know. Should cool down some of that heat they’ve been brewing with their new love interest.

There we have it. Just a few ideas to wet your petty-tite. There are a million ways you could petty up Valentine’s day and slightly inconvenience it for the lover’s in the world and who knows. While you are out, you may just run into your someone else flexing their petty muscles and end up hitting it off with them. Then just like that, you’re looking at maybe not being single again for next Valentine’s day.

Are you going to be single for Valentine’s day? Can you think of more Petty-tine’s day activities or pranks? I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

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